This article is by Melanie Holmes, author of The Female Assumption: A Mother’s Story, Freeing Women From the View that Motherhood is a Mandate. We love her message of lifting the judgments we place on women’s choices to bring us together in acceptance and respect—for each choice we make as individuals.
When I interviewed/polled 70 women without kids of their own, I found that their cups runneth over with the essentials of life—love, meaning, fulfillment. Their cups also held an ounce of weariness due to questions they hear much too often about personal aspects of their lives.
One woman, Calista*, spoke to me about the embarrassment she feels when she mentions that she doesn’t want kids of her own. She’s a teacher and loves her students. When co-workers ask, “If you don’t want to have a child, then why did you become a teacher?” she doesn’t know what to say. She has learned not to offer her feelings about this topic. When we spoke and she learned that I’m a mom, she sighed, “I’m so glad there are people like you on our side.” This made me sad. You see, Calista’s mom does not support her decision to be childless-by-choice.
My daughter was very young when I picked up a book by Madelyn Cain, The Childless Revolution: What It Means to be Childless Today. I choked back tears when I read the interview with “Donna,” a woman who experienced multiple failed fertility treatments, who said, “I thought if I couldn’t be a mom, there’s no reason to live.” I thought about my own daughter. I considered all the ways that the female experience has changed over the past several decades. And I wondered, what if my daughter grows up feeling there’s only one path to a meaningful life?
Many women grow up expecting motherhood someday. But they find a passion for education and career, and before they know it, pressure ensues from all manner of sources. Family members tell them they’re “too serious” about their careers. Friends tell them they’re “too picky” when it comes to finding a mate. They’re told to “Snap out of it!”
Many women want to give back to society, and find organizations such as CMomA provide them with opportunities to do so. One doesn’t have to be a biological mother in order to make a difference in this world. Perhaps the most myopic statement I heard was that Oprah Winfrey “has done so much but it’s all for naught because she never had her own children to whom she can pass on her legacy.” The woman who has helped build schools and youth centers, supported women’s shelters, and changed the future for people all over the world—yes, that Oprah. Her legacy has a life of its own! It seems that our culture needs to pay heed to the definition of legacy… and the legacies of thousands of woman who are doing their part for humanity—big and small.
Viewing women’s lives through the literal lens of motherhood simply is not acceptable. As our culture has evolved, so too must the scripts evolve that we use with females. My dream may not be your dream; and vice versa. Finding a way to accept, respect, and encourage each other; this is where it’s at. A great songwriter once crooned, “All we need is love.” I agree. Armed with love, we can accomplish much!
Melanie Holmes is a mother of three, with 30 years perspective. Her love for her daughter prompted her to interview/poll 200 women and write about this topic. She passionately advocates the view that motherhood should be viewed as a choice, not a mandate.
Melanie writes about diversity and gender issues on her blog, and in her book, The Female Assumption: A Mother’s Story, Freeing Women From the View that Motherhood is a Mandate. You can also find her on Facebook.
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