Most of us on this site have not yet had biological or adopted children, either by choice or circumstance. I am writing a book about our experience, as women of this era, regarding the influences that have impacted our decision and/or situation on this issue, where we stand today with it, and the realm possibilities that lie ahead.
We would love to know your story from it’s most authentic and heart centered place… (Please note that by sharing this information, you are giving permission for some of it to be possibly collected and utilized in the book, without your identity revealed.)
Thank you for participating…may the sharings begin!
Here are some questions to ponder and integrate. Feel free to focus on one or more!
* When it comes to Children or now, what is your story in nut shell..?
* Growing up, did you want/expect kids or not?
* What influences do you think informed your decision/expectations?
* Has it effect family, friends with kids relationships?
* When you hear the word “childless” what does that mean to you?
* How does it feel today? (ie: denial, grieving, grappling…or…at peace).
* If not having a child used to be painful and now you are at peace,
what got you there?
* Who and what do you mother?
* Would you consider adoption and if so, or if not….what are reasons for or against this consideration
S
I’m a 37 year old female and I never wanted children. I just divorced from a 12 year marriage to a man who never wanted to be a father either. If I had wanted a child, I think it wouldn’t have been hard to persuade him. My sister is several years my senior. My first nephew was born when I was 8. She had been married, and they lived in their own condo and were just starting her family. For some reason, in my family, she or my mother didn’t know how to administer the change in our lives. My nephew was the first male born in two generations and he got spoiled as much as they could spoil him. Nowadays he is a nice enough young gentleman, but back then he was king of the family. I also very vividly remember my mother pointing out how much work, sacrifice, expenses and ingratitude came with being a mother. So if as a child I didn’t have a dream of being a mother, after that experience I just made it a conscious decision. At age 18 I got pregnant and had no problem deciding to terminate (no one in my family knows). Ever since then, I’ve been infallible with my birth control and I don’t even know if or how long it would take if I were to decide to try to get pregnant. I’ve teased with the idea of being a surrogate for another couple, but never looked too seriously into it. I have been offered the choice of tying my tubes so I don’t have to worry about birth control anymore, but I thought I could still change my mind. Very dear friends of mine are amazing and very devoted mothers, but when I look at them, I don’t project my image — I get a lot more inspired by my friends’ professional accomplishments, for example. I don’t like hearing single friends of mine saying things like “my clock is ticking,” and “I need to find a man because my eggs are dying.” I am a very good pet owner. I just adopted my first cat, he is a young male and the equivalent of “Calvin,” from Calvin and Hobbes. I’m thankful that I can sometimes just close the door behind me and have a moment of peace (which would be a terrible thing to do to a child — even I know that). Now that I’m single again, I think the most likely to happen is that I’ll be in a relationship with a man who has a child/ children. I certainly will *not* become a second mother, and the older they are the better (the children, not the man).
Dr. Marcy
Thank you for sharing “S”! I’m interested about what factors impact our desire to have or not to have our own children. Your comment here is as clear as a bell: “I also very vividly remember my mother pointing out how much work, sacrifice, expenses and ingratitude came with being a mother. So if as a child I didn’t have a dream of being a mother, after that experience I just made it a conscious decision.”
My mother, on the other hand would say, “My children are my greatest joy,” “I cannot imagine life without my children,” “There’s no greater love than the love for your child”…. you get the picture. So, I’m sure that had something to do as well for my desire and expectation TO have children and the quandary and grieving I went thru when it became apparent that that was not meant to be. It continues to astound me the degree to which so much of our assumptions and decisions are colored by the beliefs and experiences of our parents and early life experience. Then we spend our adult lives either going thru the motions of those imprints or deconstructing what is real and true for us. From my vantage point, this is what “conscious” living is all about.
PS “S”…..please tell us more about you first “motherhood” experience with Calvin in “Mamas to the 4-Legged” category!
Julie
Thank you for your site. I, too, am deeply moved to begin a transgression in thinking surrounding the ‘Childless Mother’.
Having been forced into infertility by Stage IV endometriosis, and having lost my womb to the disease last year, I have struggled, toiled, and moved myself through many stages of the grief process. What has been the most concerning piece of this process, however, has been the utter lack of knowledge or support for women like me in need.
– In need of telling their story.
– In need of giving a voice to this powerless feeling as if it’s a loss of a fundamental social right.
Stepping away from my own transition into becoming a childless mother, it’s been such a journey in learning about the ‘why’ we are forced to feel these things. Why are we not able to speak openly and freely about our loss and our journey? Historically it’s been nothing short of the gravest implication placed on a women- to be barren. Humiliation, hanging, finger-pointing and prayers haven’t subsided the stigma.
Why? I have a hunger to change this, just as you. Thank you, thank you.
Julie
Deborah
Hello CMoma Community and thanks Marcy for creating this forum.
I am 41 now and have never wanted kids. I knew it from an early age. I’ve always been independent, which I know plays a role in my choice. I also didn’t have great role models of family structure growing up.
For me, there was always so much to explore, people to meet and things to experience. I still feel this way. My gut has been consistent telling me that having a child is not what I need to do in this lifetime.
I’ve found great joy in sharing my gifts through work with my clients, mothering this community of women and giving of myself in many other nurturing ways to friends, family and a few pets 😉
I admire mothers and more and more am awed by what they do. It’s not an easy job any way you slice it. I’m grateful to have many friends who are moms so I can share in their joy and give to their children as the ‘auntie.’ It’s a role that feels good.
It also feels good to be clear and comfortable with my decision of not having children.
I hope through this site and what you’re sharing that many women will feel the same – confident and comfortable with their decision knowing there’s nothing wrong with them, nothing missing…simply taking a path that feels true for who they are.
Dr. Marcy
Deborah…on another note….you mentioned “not having great role models of family structure growing up”. if you choose to elaborate with more specificity, I am very intersted in this factor in my research . I’m curious as to how our early life experiences impact the level of desire we feel and/or the decision we make when it comes to having children or not. Any more thoughts on this?
Dr. Marcy
Thank you Deborah for sharing your story around your conscious decision not to have children. Reaching clarity always feels so good, makes our path easier, and frees up our energy to use it and enjoy what we choose to focus on. Sounds like you are certainly using your life force energy, and yes…”maternal” energy in such wonderful ways! It also appears that those you touch must feel you to be a true blessing in their lives.
By opening up this question to share our stories, we may find our experience embedded in someone else’s. Or, we may also feel it foreign to ours. Some women like you are clear about this subject matter and at peace with it; while others may feel hopeful about having children or ambivalent, or downright sad about not having kids. The beauty is that there are so many aspects to the feminine experience and to this one as well. We can gain insight, comfort and inspiration in what feels universal to our experiences and what makes them unique. My hope is that by opening up the conversation on this site, all of us can benefit in one way or another. Thank you for sharing Deborah and for spreading your light in the world!
liz
Growing up, my mother had a “nervous breakdown” after the births of each of her 5 kids (Catholic-no birth control) and had to be hospitalized. My father was all but completely missing, as he found his joy and identity through work. He felt his contribution was staying married and not divorcing my crazy mother. I was the oldest female, 2 younger sisters(each 1.5 years apart), 2 older brothers (older brothers by 5+ years). It was constant chaos and yelling, yelling, anger, anger. Yet, when my mother was mentally “well”, she was the BEST MOM EVER. She is still my best friend today.
I am 36 and married a much older man at age 29 (classic daddy issues). He was strong but kind and gentle. There is no yelling in our household. When we discussed marriage after almost 4 years of dating, I told him I absolutely would not marry him if he wouldn’t have children with me.
Soon after we married, I had my own breakdown of sort, so I wasn’t sure if I should have a child only to have him or her experience the same trauma I did. It seemed incredibly inhumane and I would not be able to bear to be responsible for any such pain to any child. But with time, therapy and medication, I was so happy to be ready to be a mom, just like I always wanted in my heart of hearts. Truly, my greatest ambition in life was to be a mother.
Fast forward to today, age 36. My husband says that “when we both get good jobs”…”you can have a little baby.” He has made it clear that if “I” have a baby, it’s like a present. Like the puppy I talked him into getting when we were first married. “I thought I wouldn’t like a dog, but now I can’t imagine living without him!” Maybe having a child will be like that, he says.
Further complicating matters is that I am on a lot of medication for the inherited illness, bipolar disorder. People with bipolar disorder have kids all the time, but it will take at least a year to wean off of my medications safely. I could do that and want to be responsible. But another problem arises from this situation though. If the father is over 50, the chances of the child having schizophrenia is exponentially higher. Super!
I want to be a mother more than anything in the world and just can’t accept this situation. I want a child, even through adoption, but you need a lot more money than I have. I am stuck and sad and jealous as almost everyone I know has children.
I don’t understand why God would put so many obstacles in my way. Did I make all of this happen? I’m sure this is my fault in many ways. Money, my partner, my health problems, genetic predisposition. What if I really DON’T have a child? What will my life be worth? When do I get to grieve? ..Limbo is the worst kind of place to be.
Dr. Marcy
Liz….thank you for sharing your story and heart with us. Limbo is a challenging place to be and you so courageously admitted to how dark it can feel. Its clear that you are carrying so much inside that I hope that there is someone in your world that you can process this with. There are community mental health centers that offer sliding scale services to clients. I had the privilege of working at one years ago and was SO impressed with the quality of care. You do not have to go thru this alone. There are people who can support you through these decisions and stage of your process.
In the meantime … stay with your truth. Feel your feelings fully and express them directly to your husband. Keep processing and re-evaluating all of your beliefs about this predicament: money and children, where the “blame” lies (sounds like you are either blaming you or God…very hard place to be!), etc. In spending time evaluating your truth, how you want to perceive your circumstances, and what you want to do about it…you will live your way into your destiny. I believe that if you really want children, and it’s for the right reasons you will find the way to them and they will find their way to you. I’d also encourage you not to give up on Adoption! Check out the links on this website about it. There are many organizations that help fund adoptions of older kids who need loving homes. If it’s in your heart as much as it sounds, there are lots of ways to become a Mama my dear!
Good luck, love yourself through this each step of way, reach out for support and do stay connected!
Victoria
Hello- I am happy to have found this site. As a 54 yr old divorced woman childless and not by choice, I have felt so isolated in the world. I don’t have the “feel” of community that a mother would have (ie school, church and other threads of community life lived through their children). This has been, for me, the hardest part to deal with in regards to being childless. I very much want to connect with other women who are in the same situation as me both on here and in person. If there is anyone in the Chicago area that wants to connect, let me know. I want that connection!
Dr. Marcy
Hello Victoria!
I am so glad that you connected with us on this site. Community is so important.. on and off line!
There is a more general on-line community in Chicago and I will send you link to get on that as well. Please feel free to stay connected here, as there is so much that we can converse on and share.
Also… I am writing a book about this experience for women and would love to interview you if you are interested?
If so, your identity will not be revealed…do let me know!
Alycia
I looked up childess women and meandered over to your website, after viewing a few youtube videos. I always made the wrong choices in men, I ultimately felt like I was following the wrong path and being held back, as if I knew instinctively I had no idea how to choose a husband. Two men in my life really begged me to have chiidren, the irony is that both of them had hardly any income and I am not that materialistic, but I think it is healthier if the man is already a bit established. but I had no clue for years and years, I am lucky I figured it out finally, but I was already starting my 40s when I learned. well, my husband shows promise and does go to work everyday. well, there is so much more to tell, and I have done some healing with the help of some counselors. I still have this optimism that everything turns out alright in the end, maybe that’s why I found your website. I live in southern california too. If there is not a possibility of having your own eggs, what about a donor egg? is that feasible. my doctor through my insurance plan thinks it is, she said that if you don’t own a luxury car, etc. it is affordable. I didn’t get my eggs frozen because I didn’t have the finances at the time to do so. I could be a good parent now, but I don’t think I would’ve been a very good one years ago at all. I see so much bad parenting out there as a result of society, a lot of divorces, etc. I know plenty of women who didn’t get to have children, I can think of so many off the top of my head! I just worry about my husband wanting kids too, and his sadness over not having any.
Dr. Marcy
Thank you for sharing part of your story Alycia…we are so glad you found us! Your experience of waiting for the “right” Papa for the children you hoped for is such a common experience for so many women over 35+.
Donor egg use is most definately an option, as well as adoption of course. I would encourage you to google as much as you can regarding the donor egg process so that you can self-educate as much as you can. If you are interested in exploring adoption of a newborn or older child in need of a safe & loving home, check out our cmoma.org page where can learn more about this possiblity as well, including connecting with many helpful resources.
Please do stay connected with this community! Here are some ways to do so:
* Join our private forum as well on this website, where we post and share periodic info. on many subjects!
* Join our Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/CMomaCommunity?ref=ts&fref=ts
* I’m writing a book about women’s experiences in this actually and you and your friends are invited to share your stories in more detail if you would like (identties will not be shared. Email: marcy@cmoma.org if interested in a 30 minute phone interview).
Alycia…you are not alone and we welcome you into our community!
rj
I’m glad to have found this community, as my heart aches particularly bad tonight over the fear that i may never have a child. I didn’t spend lots of time daydreaming about my adult life as a child, but I did always think that if I met and married the right man, a child would follow.
On Sunday, September 3rd, 2006, my fiance and I awoke to a phone call that my mom – a petite woman that owned her own motorcycle – had been involved in an accident and was in the hospital almost two hours from our home. She and my dad were riding together and had been on their way to my aunt’s house to meet and ride with them. The first call didn’t shake me nearly as bad as it should have, as i grabbed a shower before going to the hospital. As I got out of the shower, my dad called a second time, clearly crying this time, and telling me the doctor had brought him my mom’s wedding rings. i understand how significant that was and panicked. My fiance drove us to my parents’ house to get my little brother, and we took off to the hospital. Mom succumbed to her injuries before we made it to the hospital, but the doctors didn’t tell my dad she had passed until my brother and I were there. My life instantly became surreal.
Two weeks later, my attempt to refill my birth control pills was interrupted as the doctor informed me I was pregnant. I freaked out. My fiance and I were only 21 at the time, and were not in the position to raise a child. Having just lost my mom, I was upset that she would never get to meet ANY of her grandchildren, and I felt that I had no one to turn to for emotional support. My husband and I had already discussed terminating if we had an unplanned pregnancy. We felt that our life required much more stability before we brought another life into the world. I went to the clinic, talked to the counselor, and was told it would cost $200 for an abortion. We left. I was terribly upset and depressed. When we returned to the clinic a couple of weeks later, I was told that my baby no longer had a heart beat and was scheduled for a D&C.
My fiance is now my husband and our relationship has only grown over time. Unfortunately, there have been many obstacles in our lives and the stability that we want to provide for a child still does not exist. I want to start a family anyway, but my husband is clear about wanting us to have a house and steady incomes first. He has had to change careers due to the economy and is currently a full time student. I’ve also just recently been promoted to Business Manager and really need to focus on my career a little longer. In the last couple of weeks told myself I would take pleasure in knowing that my husband and I are truly planning our family, as we don’t know anyone that has actually gotten pregnant intentionally. Almost every female we know currently is pregnant or has had a child in the last few years.
Today is especially bad for me, as a couple of our friends openly discussed that they will be trying to add to their family soon. (As far as I know, they are unaware of my silent struggle with childlessness). It really, physically hurts me to see everyone around me having children without a care in the world, never wondering before hand if they can actually afford such responsibility. I don’t want to be selfish and be the woman that “accidentally” gets pregnant. I’m not even sure that I can get pregnant anymore, as I have only had one period in the last twelve months. I’ve already spoken to a doctor concerning this, but without health insurance, I cannot afford the tests that allow her to determine whats going on with me!
I feel stuck, or in limbo, as others have put it. At any rate, it really hurts that my husband still wants to start a family on his time frame. I just want to be excited, and expectant, like everyone else is – before its too late!
(edited by blog manager to condense)
Kristin
I always imagined a life where I would get married and have two kids. I’ve turned 40 this year and it hasn’t turned out that way.
When I was 13 I started getting severe chronic headaches. Not your typical migraine but headaches that lasted non-stop for months on end. I ended up with three different diagnoses all of which can be hereditary. I was also diagnosed with anxiety and bipolar disorder. I had married a great guy and for a few years we tried to get pregnant. It didn’t happen and we found out there were issues with the quality of his sperm but honestly by that time I was so sick that I was questioning whether I could in all good conscience bring a baby into the world knowing they would have an added risk of inheriting one or more of the conditions that has made my life so difficult. I can’t even fathom the guilt I would feel.
So why not adopt? Well right now my own health makes it hard for me to care for my self at times. I can’t ask my husband to do any more than he already does. So I ache for what I’ve always wanted. Sometimes it’s better than others but sometimes it strikes out of nowhere when I don’t expect it. Finances also make adoption seem out of reach.
I do have my pets who get spoiled like crazy. I love Disney World and sometimes dream of what it would be like to share that with a child of my own. It’s also sad to think I’m not just missing out on kids but on grand kids as well.
Dr. Marcy
Thank you for sharing from your heart Kristin. I am so sorry to hear about the challenges you have faced.
When your mind strays to fearing the future, I encourage you to try to gently bring yourself back to the present and replacing that fear with faith that reminds and assures you that all is well and you are loved. I also would recommended opening up the options for you to be able to connect with children in all sorts of ways: mentoring, hosting, tutoring, Big Sister program (bet your destined match of a kid would love a trip to Disney!) It sounds as if you have so much love to share. Your pets are lucky recipients. There are thousands of kids out there who be lucky to know you as well. Think it over…:)
Courtney
Hello Gang
I am just 37 and had a hysterectomy five weeks ago and cervical cancer in my mid twenties. I am a momma bear auntie to all my community of friends and have been struggling for sure as of late. I know I impact the lives of children in a profound way ( I work in pediatric cancer research) and have always been rather content with whatever may be. I am a mother to a Great Dane who I love dearly and am coming to realize that being a mother may be in so many forms. I am in no way tied to biology and if anything I am appreciating the children, love and joy that I have when I have it present. As women, we are raised to be mothers not understanding as a young person that may mean so much more than our biology.
It is a struggle as I have been married for 9 years and that is the firs question people ask. I am if nothing frank in my response and explain my journey regarding cancer etc. I try to use it as a teaching moment about mothering and a community of mothering. I’m taking it one day at a time and appreciating the journey.
April
Hi my name is April and I am new to the group/website, I do not usually write on these things. But I thought I would today.
I am 25 years old and due to my health I can’t carry a child nor do I believe I could adopt (or it could be difficult). I am not with anyone and nor am I ready to have children at the moment but I see others my age (more so than before) buying homes, getting engaged and married, and having their own little families. I am still in school, living home, and struggling with some health concerns which seem to make things difficult for me. To add to all of this I almost died April of last year and though I want to live life to the fullest I also tend to see what my health limits me to have/do. Having children is one of them. My brother and I have spina bifida so I have been in the hospital lots but this time was different. It just made me see what I wanted in my life or maybe to settle things while I can. If I am not okay with it now maybe this is my chance to be okay with it or do something about it (having children I mean). I will write a bit about the last time I was in the hospital so that way you can understand the last year I’ve had.
April 10th 2012—for my family and I this date hits directly home (literally). Between 3 and 4 am, I woke with what was the worse pain I have ever had—in my side. I have had pain in my side before but never like this. My mother told me to take Tylenol. I kept insisting that something was wrong. Long story short I spent a day and a half in the emergency room until I had a room on medical floor. They had determined that I had a urinary tract infection that had actually got into my blood. I was also being treated for Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (best known as MRSA).
If that was not bad enough… After being on medical floor for a few hours I landed in the intensive care unit. My heart rate had gone up to 170. After a few days in intensive care my heart rate had gone back down but they still had to deal with the rest. I spent another two weeks on the medical floor. As I mentioned before I had MRSA therefore I was pretty much stuck in a room by myself for a month. Visitors that came in to see me would have to gown up and such. I know it was a pain for them to do butI am grateful so many did. I basically didn’t eat much for a month. Not at all for the first few days and that is a bit of what I went through from April10th-April 30th. With everything that happened and not remembering the few days I was in the ICU (which I probably wouldn’t want to remember anyway) and being so afraid of dying that I was actually making myself sick. Even though I had been in the hospital a lot in my life it had really shook the family this time including myself.
Even though I have human services background (college), and studying to be an addiction counsellor I have been having a hard time the last year. Not only has it brought up my fear of death. It has also brought up things I wish I could do before I die. I am more emotional than I used to be (soft hearted) and so when I see others moving forward with their lives and I am still dealing with things like this it just makes me wonder what is in store for my life.
Any suggestions on how I could come to peace with all of this… even a little bit? I am in counselling and she can help me with other things but can’t seem to help me with this. Not very many people seem to understand how I feel. I tend to get the same kind of answers and so I just shut down and keep it all locked inside. If you can think of anything that would be great.
Thanks,
April.
Dr. Marcy
April….I’d like to share an article I wrote that I believe can be applied to really any percieved obvstacle we face. It’s brief but please do take a look and let me know what you think on Huff Post response AND our blog on this site: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcy-cole/overcoming-obstacles_b_913828.html
I also want to recommend a wonderful compiliations of 15 minute mediations, along with a use guide that will help you mediate, pray and visualize for a return to health and vitality in mind, body and spirit: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Into-The-Vortex-Meditations/dp/1401931693/ref=pd_sim_b_1
Laurie
I’ve always known I wanted kids. I grew up the oldest of 4 and helped raise my little brothers and always loved the sense of fulfillment that came from that and – as I got older – babysitting or caring for my cousins, neighbor kids, etc. When my friends started having kids, I was the natural auntie and (lucky me) kids always responded to me.
At age 31, my husband of 5 years and I started trying to conceive, despite my fears because the year before he’d been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was in grad school for social work (ironic, I know) so I figured we’d work through it. Unfortunately, his illness (mostly due to his acceptance of needing meds) progressed to the point where I made the excruciatingly painful decision to leave my husband because I was slowly losing my sanity under the barrage of daily verbal and emotional abuse. Imagine the horror I felt when – after making the decision to leave and coming up with a getaway plan – I learned I was pregnant.
My decision to end the pregnancy seemed the lesser of two terrible choices at the time, so I did. I never told my husband, and I still bear the weight of that loss and decision to this day. I left my husband (a consolation is that my ex is now married with a child) and with therapy I worked somewhat through the losses. I was still young and again assume that once I was better healed, I could meet someone new and become a mom.
Fast forward to today when I am 46, and that has still not been the case. I had two miscarriages in my next long term relationship (we never married but that ended). I started fertility treatment at age 41, newly single, still hopeful and using donor sperm from California. When I turned 44 and that still hadn’t worked, I tried the adoption route. I wanted an infant, so I chose a local private agency and was approved for the home study. I just needed to put together a profile about me for bio moms, but somewhere along the line I got stuck. Maybe because I reconciled with an ex who wanted kids with me (men are so ignorant about women’s fertility!) or maybe because I feared I couldn’t manage an infant at 44.
So now I am sort of trying to make peace with the fact that I have no kids and it is no longer possible to have my own – donor egg would be the only way to birth. I try to find joy and meaning in my life, but having always assumed that the purpose of my life was to have a family, it is extremely hard some days. i have much to be grateful for: I have 2 beautiful nieces who call me their second Mom, many many friends’ kids who adore me (it’s mutual), and I have my health and a job. But there is so much pain. I had a dog, my baby, for 10 years, and she died almost 3 years ago. That loss almost did me in. My parents are mid 70’s, fairly healthy, but I literally cannot imagine how I will manage when they go, and I truly think that not having my own family to focus on will make it that much tougher.
Yes, I know I could create my own “family”, get more dogs, move in with my boyfriend (Although that’s not a guarantee, we’re going through a rough patch). But I still could adopt, maybe an older child. Or I could accept being childless like some friends and travel, write a book, take classes. Sometimes I look forward to being 50 because by then, the choices will have to have been made. But for now, it’s still a struggle and I feel very aimless and confused. So that’s why I’m here
Dr. Marcy
Dearest Laurie….
Thank you so much for sharing your story with such courage, authenticity and heart. While we cannot take away your own private pain, you are not alone. So many women can relate to the disappointment over the loss of romantic love, the loss of your option to have your own biological child, of an animal you love so dearly….and what it feels like to be dealing with that at the same time we anticipate that someday we will also need to let go of our aging parents.
All that said…here are a few things I’d like to share with you as perhaps hopeful & helpful reminders…
* BE WITH THE GRIEF: what we resist persists so the deeper you go into it the sooner you will get to the other side of acceptance where there IS greater peace.
* BE WITH THE QUESTIONS: One of my favorite quotes by Rilke: “I beg you….to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, because you would not be able to know or live them now. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
* BE WITH THE POSSIBILITIES: Laurie…I launched a Non-profit arm to this platform called “CMomA” which stands for “Childless Mothers Adopt”. It advocates for the welfare of older orphaned children by connecting them wither childless single women, men, couples and partners through adoption, informal adoption, foster-care and mentorship. Don’t let your age or the chronological age of a child be a deterrent. I just found out that Jane Fonda adopted a 14 year old young women and told Oprah that is was she who receive the bigger blessing. As much as you wanted to be a Mommy is how much millions of children around the world are searching for one. For those of us who wanted to Mother, we still can…in a myriad of ways. Sounds like you already are and are searching for more. Perhaps this is one way there. And if you are not sure about that yet….then go back to “Be with the Question”…. for you will find your way into the answer that will heal and fill your beautiful heart.
Stephanie
Dr. Marcy,
I want to start by saying how amazing I think your CMomA organization is. The following is my story and I would be much obliged if you would read it:
I have been struggling the last few years with the fact that I can’t have children of my own . Growing up I always wanted to be a mom…Not unlike most little girls. At the age of 12 my appendix burst (my mom thought I had the flu) and the toxic fluid filled my poor little body. I can remember hearing a doctor say that had my family waited much longer to take me to the emergency room I wouldn’t have made it. The doctors performed emergency surgery and I was in the hospital several days afterwards healing and was not able to go back to school for a while – waiting for my body to heal. Little did we know that this would lead to a life of pain- both physically and emotionally. When I started having my menstruation I would endure terrible pain – not just little cramps – I’m talking knock you to the ground, cry out loud, fetal position PAIN! When I was 25 I was fed up with the years of excruciating pain, the tears, and the missed work. Everyone had told me that ALL women experience cramps but I knew mine were different, they rendered me helpless – I didn’t have a normal life, I hurt all the time…every single day. I went to my OBGYN crying one day and begged them to please get me in as soon as possible, which they did. My Dr. ordered a series of ultrasounds at varying times of the month. Unfortunately, his fellow Dr. left the practice and he had to take on all of her patients, most of them pregnant. The little pregnant mommas took precedence over my issues and I was shuffled to the bottom of the pile. Not being particularly happy that after a series of very uncomfortable and embarrassing ultrasounds I had not heard back from my doctor I took my records to another OBGYN. She took a look at them and could not believe I had basically been ignored at my previous doctor’s office. She said there was a huge mass on my right ovary that needed to be checked out. Within just a couple weeks I was laying on an operating room table while she performed a laparoscopic procedure to remove this rotten mass. When I went in for my post-op appointment my doctor came in and told me what she had found was a non-cancerous mass that contained hair and calcium deposits, she said similar to a dermoid cyst but not quite – she said she had never seen anything like this before. It didn’t stop there though, she continued to say that my fallopian tubes were very damaged. I can still see her face and hear her voice – how difficult it must have been for her to say, “You will not ever have children of your own. I’m so sorry.” She patted my leg and assured me that I was not the only one this happens to. But, I couldn’t help but feel singled out – like I was the only one with this problem – like my whole world was ending. The only way I can describe what I was feeling is empty, in so many ways I felt empty. My dreams of being pregnant were crushed. A few years went by and the extremely bad cramping returned. I went back to my OBGYN and she referred me to a fertility specialist in Tulsa Oklahoma. I went to see the specialist and he performed yet another ultrasound…he had problems seeing what was going on so it was off to the operating room table again. After the operation my specialist told me he had never seen anything like it. I had adhesions around my fallopian tubes, uterus, bladder, intestines, liver, and kidneys – all from my appendix having burst when I was 12. My fallopian tubes were mangled, all knotted up and wrapped around. Dr Prough removed the adhesions and my fallopian tubes thus sealing the deal on the fact that I will not have children the “Old fashioned way”.
I am turning 30 years old this weekend and that last surgery was just 4 months ago. I am married to a wonderful man and he has a 5 year old little boy and he has custody of him. His mother sees him every other weekend – just enough to remind him that I am not his mother and to not call me that. I want so desperately to be called mom. I have always wanted to adopt. I have three aunts that are adopted, two on my mom’s side and one of my dad’s. Adoption has always been something very near and dear to my heart. I know your organization is here to help mommas that don’t have children of their own. I am a step-mother but it is my love for my step-son that makes me want more children. If my story could help another woman feel less alone, less singled out, less empty then I have done my part.
I struggle – I think this is something that I will never totally be over, but I am healing.
Dr. Marcy
Wow Stephanie….I am so so sorry that you experienced all of the physical pain throughout most of your life, followed by the irreversible condition of infertility. I am sending you the same link to the article I shared with April above: An article on how we overcome adversity that I sent in to the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcy-cole/overcoming-obstacles_b_913828.html
I urge you to read and consider it. In short…it’s about feeling the feelings first. It sounds like you have been dealing directly with these feelings for years…pain, fear, grief, sadness, anger, etc..? It’s actually good that you have felt and expressed these feelings, because otherwise….what we resist does persist! The next step is full surrender and acceptance to what is. That’s when the true healing and exhale truly begins. I’m not sure where you are on this but it sounds like you have all the facts to work with to not only know the reality but accept it. When that times comes, it can free you up to take the next step, should you choose, which is the power to transform pain into purpose. On this I would share two things for your consideration:
1): Revel in being a Step-Mama. Even though this boy cannot call you Mom, he has two mothers. Never underestimate the influence of your heart on his, as he grows and you share a home together each and everyday.
2): Exploring the Option of Adoption. You mentioned that you are interested in the possibility of adoption and that you are only 30 years old. You have so many years ahead of you Stephanie and I encourage you to absolutely spend time researching if, where, how and when you and your husband would like to adopt. It is estimated that there are now over 18 million double orphans in the world, who desperately need a Mommy and Daddy to love, take care, and yes…accept them into their lives and into their family. They were handed a difficult deck too and have a hole in their heart they are praying to fill someday as well.
I choose to believe in the silver lining of everything and to count our blessings, no matter what. God willing, you have healing and better health ahead, a “wonderful” husband and a step son to love. The silver lining? Don’t have a chrystal ball but do know it’s there for you. Please do stay connected to our community and let us know when you recognize some of the blessings that find you. And remember that what makes you a beautiful step mom and a mama in waiting will always be a blessing to everyone you encounter. Looking forward to hearing what lies ahead for you. The future is BRIGHT!