I just returned from Santa Cruz. Deep in the redwood trees I found myself silently living among 40 other guests at the Vajrapani Institute. Early morning walks and fresh air filling my lungs were a welcome relief from Los Angeles. No traffic, no 405. Just me and my thoughts.
I was a bit nervous when Venerable Tenzin Chogki walked into the gompa for the first time. Her 6’3” frame and shaved head, along with past life tattoos, made me wonder how this weekend was going to go. I rarely do things for myself. It’s an idea I bought into long ago. Others come first, I come last. So in a fit of burnout last November I signed up for a silent retreat and hoped I’d make it there.
It was touch and go all the way to the week of, but I got in the car and after a few hours of letting go of my worries about what else I could be doing, we arrived and the cell phone service ended. More nerves.
We settled in. We got our work assignments. I chose kitchen duty.
Then Venerable Tenzin walked in and the peace began. It was in that moment I realized the power of my mind. I realized who had been in charge all these years. It wasn’t the present; It was my past and my future. The present was me and it seems like I did a lot to not get to know me.
So as Venerable Tenzin sat down, I just let go.
My jaw unclenched. I breathed easier. The present moment entered in.
Making tea and drinking it was different. My showers were different.
It was a long weekend of connection and coming back to myself.
And then it ended. After hugs and one last vegan meal we were back in the car, and then the way wasn’t so clear.
How was I going to maintain what I learned? It didn’t seem possible. The weight of all that I needed to do began pressing upon me. Breathing and mindfulness had quite the uphill battle. I kind of figured that whole experience up in the mountains of Santa Cruz would fade in a day or so.
In a way it has, because life goes on and the present moment keeps unfolding.
In the most simple way, I learned the simple fact that WE ARE WHAT WE PRACTICE, and I decided when I left the retreat that all I could do was to practice, was to try.
It’s been a week of letting go of perfectionism or the wrong or the right way of doing some thing.
It’s been a week of making sure I’m practicing something. Hopefully something healthy. That alone has kept me present. Understanding my daily intake has created better choices.
So why does any of this matter?
I figure we all want things in our lives. Very important things. Being in the past or future will never get us what we want. Only more frustration and the need to have everything now.
I’ve learned if we really, truly want something there is no better way to experience it than in the present moment.
Josh Brazier is a Certified Professional Coach, an Arbinger Trained Coach, and founder of the Kaiizen Foundation, dedicated to improving the lives of the world’s orphaned and vulnerable children population through mentoring and education.
His mentoring company, Kaiizen Mentors, is helping youth and families in the States live better lives.
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