Submitted by Melanie Holmes, author of The Female Assumption: Freeing Women from the View that Motherhood is a Mandate.
Melanie has polled/interviewed 200 women about the female experience and has found that meaning, purpose, love and happiness are subjective ideals. Her book is dedicated to the idea that women should feel free to explore their life choices without feeling that motherhood is a mandate or requirement for a fulfilled life. There are many opportunities to touch a child’s life, as evidenced by CMomA’s mission.
Melanie will speak at the 1st-Ever NotMom Summit, October 9-10, 2015, in Cleveland, Ohio.
Two-year-old Alex* was happy enough for Kim and her husband to pick him up for a play date; but when he fell asleep and awoke the next morning to find that he was still in the care of these two strangers, his wail was long and mournful. Even though the new adoptive parents had received training to deal with the psychological and emotional outpouring that may ensue in the early stages of adoption, nothing had prepared them for Alex’ nonstop, heartbreaking cries that communicated displeasure, but gave them no clue as to how to soothe him. What he wanted was his familiar surroundings, which was an institution filled with hundreds of other kids, without a caretaker or toy to call his own.
As Kim struggled to speak her newly adopted son’s native language, Alex increased the velocity of his cries.
Many adoptive parents may expect that the child they adopt will quickly reciprocate the love they so desperately want to impart to the child. This is not always the case. Especially when a child has been bounced around from abusive parents to institutionalized care, all in two short years, which was the case with Alex. Failure and doubt gnawed at Kim. Had they made a mistake? In her darkest moments, she clung to the hope that things would get better.
And they did. But it took years. Kim waited an excruciatingly long time for that first treasured hug.
To say that this family has come a long way over the past seven years is an understatement.
Alex is now 9 years old and just finished third grade. He excels in math and reading, and was awarded Student-of-the-Month earlier this year.
Alex has been socially behind his peers by about two years, which makes sense because he was denied opportunities to self-regulate and interact in healthy ways with his peers at the orphanage. He’s been in private counseling, in addition to what his school provides for him. Some of his biggest social strides recently have been since he joined karate. It provides him with the structure and discipline he seeks in an environment that simultaneously praises him for his achievements, and gives him a physical outlet to release his energy.
In summary, adopting Alex has been difficult, and there were times when Kim thought she’d never stop beating herself for failing to instantly bond with her son. Building an emotionally-strong relationship took much longer than Kim naively (her adjective) anticipated. She says, “But we’re there! And we have our happy ending!”
* Name has been changed.
Melanie Holmes is a mother of three, with 30 years perspective. Her love for her daughter prompted her to interview/poll 200 women and write about this topic. She passionately advocates the view that motherhood should be viewed as a choice, not a mandate.
Melanie writes about diversity and gender issues on her blog, and in her book, The Female Assumption: A Mother’s Story, Freeing Women From the View that Motherhood is a Mandate. You can also find her on Facebook.
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