I’m not going to speak about those crazy nine months we call pregnancy. I have no background there. Only just stories and stereotypes.
But the title of that famous pregnancy book has been on my mind for a while now. I’ve been entering a new stage in my life and it seems new doors create new expectations. I’ve found myself less present and more in fantasyland and as I try to create and implement.
So I decided to stop. It wasn’t doing me any good. Instead I decided to ponder what to expect when I’m expecting. Or what I can expect when I take myself out of the present and load myself with the weights of expectation.
I came up with two simple things that occur, needlessly, in my life. These two things have somewhat of a snowball effect that takes me far, far away from what I want for my life.
They are 1) stress and 2) disconnection.
Stress
Let me clear and say stress is as addicting as any drug, soap opera, or medication. It becomes our excuse for everything and the catalyst for so many health- and emotion-related issues. It gives us things to talk about and excuses to fail and flounder.
When I begin to expect things, when the weight and details of the fantasies I create around my expectations begin, I automatically get stressed. Those fantasies become real and I am immediately taken out of present time. I enter a new reality that isn’t real but meanwhile consumes my worldview.
It’s reason enough to not put expectations on life. The stress just isn’t worth it. Healthy goals and sights in the distance to reach are great but when they become expected realities, we fail. We don’t allow the process to be real, we live in our future as we fantasize and in our past as we fear. All this creates stress, it just isn’t worth it.
Disconnection
When we aren’t present, when we are stressed and under the weight of our expectations, it is nearly impossible to connect, not only with ourselves, but with others.
If we aren’t in reality (present) then we are living in our expectations of things and people. We don’t see things right and we end up being far, far away from true connection.
In my pondering I came to understand that if I put expectations on a relationship, then I never really showed up. I was playing chess. Thinking ahead. Trying to make the ideas in my head a reality. I never connected. I just expected.
The last relationship I was in helped me to understand this. It was my best attempt to date to be totally available and present. It was amazing. I wasn’t at all perfect but I felt connected. I wanted to stay in the present with this person. What tomorrow looked like was of no importance. I showed up. I loved it.
So, what are you expecting?
How is keeping you out of the present?
Where is the stress in your life coming from?
Are you feeling disconnected?
What expectation are you connected to?
Well, these are some of the questions I ask when I am feeling stressed or disconnected.
Those feelings are what I expect when I am expecting.
Josh Brazier is a Certified Professional Coach, an Arbinger Trained Coach, and founder of the Kaiizen Foundation, dedicated to improving the lives of the world’s orphaned and vulnerable children population through mentoring and education.
His mentoring company, Kaiizen Mentors, is helping youth and families in the States live better lives.
Melanie Holmes
This is one of the best essays and very timely. Every day it seems someone says, “I’m so stressed…” and what follows is a list of negative feelings. Living in the moment, while also thinking about what we have to do to get to realize our goals, these can seem paradoxical…and yet…it doesn’t have to be, as you pointed out. When we show up, and connect to today, some of the stress ebbs, and we feel better.